I Do Not Like Amon Amarth (As if!)

Good morning!

I have another nail art post coming up but I wanted to take a moment to post something about music.
I'm really excited about some new releases in the metal world. New Kataklysm? Yes, please. New Witchery? Already on my iPod.  Kamelot? Like you had to ask me. (Also disappointed that the closest concert date is in San Francisco. I have no more vacation time until March!!!)
However, I've been on a major Amon Amarth kick. Much of their music is rather anthemic and it really gets my blood pumping. It could also be a case of channeling the Viking spirit to make it through some tough work days!

Many years ago, a Dr. Seuss inspired poem about Amon Amarth made the rounds of metal listservs and email groups that was simply brilliant and I have FINALLY found it. (It's not obvious that I've been on the internet a long damn time or anything.)  It is sublime. Please enjoy!

Once, in the land of Zimble-boo,
Where honkweed grew and brimbles flew,
There lived two fans of heavy metal
Who had a great big score to settle.

One, named Nod, was into stuff
That could never be True enough
He always said to his friend Barth,
"I do not like Amon Amarth."

Barth, instead, was just the kind
To try and have an open mind
He worshiped metal in all its forms
And any music outside the norm.

At the Frizz-Frazz Works, all day they worked
And Barth thought Nod a tiresome jerk
For from his truck, he would go get
Graveland, Darkthrone and Negura Bunget.

"I have here bootleg tapes of Mayhem,
I will not hesitate to play them.
They feature both Dead and Euronymous
You don't like these? Ha! You wuss!

Their freezing grimness frightens thee
And flays your soul and sanity.
Thou art untrue, my weak friend Barth.
That's why you like Amon Amarth."

"But Nod," Barth said, his voice a-quiver
"I have catalogs from Spinefarm and Shiver,
Necropolis and House of Kicks
Some bands have learned a few new tricks.

And while it's true these newer bands
Have killed no one by their own hands
There is no law in Zimble-boo
That says all metal must be true."

"Fuck off, you poser!" Nod exclaimed.
"May thy weak ass perish in flames!
The corporate labels are your friends,
To them you look for mindless trends.

"I will not like your Borknagar,
So please don't play it in your car,
I'd sooner hacksaw off my ear
Than listen to Dimmu Borgir

"God Dethroned just makes me laugh
Cradle of Filth incurs my wrath
And most of all, my lame friend Barth,
I do not like Amon Amarth."

"But would you like them, Nod, if soon
They did a record for Full Moon?"
"Not e'en on vinyl, you buffoon;
I would not like them on Full Moon."

"But would you like them, Nod my friend,
If they did a record for The End?"
"Those corporate followers of trend?
Not on your life. I will not bend!"

"Well, how about Necropolis?"
"On them I take a healthy piss!"
"Surely you like Misanthropy."
"You Christian tool, begone from me!

"Please do not mention Hammerheart
Those thieves of diabolic art
Your head is so far up your ass
You might as well say Nuclear Blast

"And mention not Century Media
Or else I will be forced to beat-y ya
Please, Metal Blade? Have you no balls?
Those bastards signed the Goo Goo Dolls!!"

"But Nod," Barth cried, "this band is good
They hate the Lord, just as they should
Their sound is great, which is what you get when
It's engineered by Peter Tagtgren

And though it's all been done before
It kicks much ass, you can be sure
So take it from your old friend Barth,
You'd really like Amon Amarth."

At this, Nod flew into a fit
And tore poor Barth to little bits
He murdered him with Satan's might
Then went to jail without a fight

And there, he only got to hear
What people taped for his imprisoned ear
He could not buy from catalogs
From Breath of Night or from Moonfog

No compact discs could he possess
Only dubbed tapes, to his distress
But then one day, he got a mix
From some homely Goth pen-pal chick

She taped him Emperor and Dawn
Dark Funeral and Apollyon
She even filled all of side two
With bands like Opeth and Lilitu.

And when our Nod was forced to hear
These different bands, his pagan ear
Was startled, and his beady eyes
Did widen in complete surprise

He liked these bands! Yes, quite a bit!
It made old Darkthrone sound like shit!
It wasn't kult, to be quite fair
But, he realized, he didn't care!

And on the end of this cassette
One more surprise waited yet
Amon Amarth, the very band
That made Nod kill his bestest friend

The final song that was in store,
"God, His Son, and the Holy Whore,"
From The Avenger, their new CD,
Came blasting out of Cell Block Three.

Why, Nod was startled and perturbed:
"Where is this place called Gothenburg?
That buzzsaw sound, these catchy songs
I could enjoy this all day long!

"I've seen the error of my ways
But who is this right now that plays?"
He checked the listing on the tape,
Then laughed and said "For goodness sake!

"Barth, had I but listened to thee
You'd be alive, and I'd be free
So hey, I owe ya one, ol Barth
I do so like Amon Amarth!"

Thanks for reading. I leave you now with my favorite get inspired Amon Amarth song:


  1. lol! i like the poem. i used to be really into hard rock/metal when I was younger. I like how the amon amarth sounds. very in your face..i'm sooo in a mellow music now though.. maybe for workouts! i feel bad about your concert.. i'm from the bay.. maybe i can teleport you here.. or at least take pics for you.

  2. <33 Amon Amarth! I get to go to the shows when they come to town because I'm friends with Johan's older sister! XD

  3. I like me some metal. I've got Amon Amarth on my ipod, but honestly my favorite is InFlames... and Pantera ( in know... they are old, but I still like them)

  4. This is one of many reasons I love you! I heart me some Amon Amarth!
    You needs to check out the new COF...it is freaky awesomeness and the new Dimmu Borgir!
    Oh we got the New Iron Mained and also the LE vinyl and dayyyum Maiden sounds so perfect on vinyl!
    ((hugs & horns up))

  5. I should post a pic of Chuck's limited edition boxed set edition of Twilight of the Thunder God with bobbleheads of the band members. I think you'd dig it.
    @ Evil Angel, I got the new Maiden album as well. Will be getting CoF and Dimmu.

  6. Pretty - Thank you! Glad you liked the poem, it cracks me up and it's too good not to share.
    I love the Bay so much, sometimes I REALLY wish I lived there. You can teleport me there anytime! Maybe the next time I get round that way, we need to meet up.

    Skulda - I AM SO JEALOUS! Lucky! I haven't yet had the pleasure of seeing Amon Amarth in concert yet. Shocking, right? Still trying to slowly integrate them into my hubby's playlist. He'll come around though and then we can go together to see them.

    Cara - You are a down girl. In Flames are awesome and they were fantastic the last time I saw them. Pantera is still a favorite. I met them several times and they were super cool to me and my high school bestie. Sadly, Dimebag died on my hubby's birthday. So that day is special and sad for me at the same time.

    My beautiful goddess, Andrea - I love you too!
    You know I'm jealous bout the vinyl. I'm breathlessly awaiting the Dimmu. It's eating some of my NP budget but soo worth it! I will check out the new COF. Gah, my music buy list is getting outrageous!

    Deb - I must see the bobbleheads! I would love that! The new Maiden is pretty awesome, the new stuff was really killer live. Just sayin' is all...


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